Swept away.

I am the type to get carried away. With anything: hobbies, shopping, conversations, relationships. I can get so caught up in something I enjoy that I don't even realize when I've crossed a line (ie AFTER I've spent a whole month's paycheck in one shopping trip).

Anyway. Maybe that's why I put up with so much stuff. Why--against my better judgment--I let you be too busy for me or sometimes ignore me altogether. I don't mind keeping things light. It's generally where I'm most comfortable, tbh. But this is different. There is a huge disconnect between who are you now and who you were when we first started seeing each other. This means one of two things: you were either faking it then or you're faking it now. And it's hard to tell which is worse. Either you were putting on a "nice guy" act when we were courting and you're actually kind of an ass. Or you're a genuinely kind person that is ACTING like an ass to push me away.

The first thing my friends ask me when I explain our [casual dating, non-exclusive] situation is: are you happy? Well, I thought I was. I thought it was enough just to be with you. With whatever part of you you were willing to share with me. As time goes by, though, I'm starting to realize that I'm not actually happy. I think losing you would make me more unhappy. That's why I stay.

But what kind of foundation is that? For any relationship, I mean, even a casual one. I should be with someone that complements me (and compliments me). You do neither. You convinced me that you were not a typical guy, despite my initial impression of you being.. well, pretty much a typical guy. But I think I was right the first time. You are a good person. That is not up for debate as it's a separate category completely. I have no doubt that someday some (more ordinary, less complex) girl will be very lucky to have you. But maybe I need more. Maybe I deserve more. Because I'm complex. We talked about my layers. We talked about how it takes a while to figure me out. I thought you appreciated that. Or at least respected me for it. But maybe the top of the tree is too hard to climb to for you. I'm sure that you could get a wide array of "lower-hanging fruit" with ease. I thought that was something you admired about me. But maybe I was wrong.

I used to worry that no one would appreciate my complexity. You were a good catch, especially since you are a good person and that is a rare enough trait in itself. But someday someone will. It could've been you. I'd have let it be you. But I don't think you want to look any further into my soul. I guess you've seen enough.

And I got carried away. Swept off my feet by the person I thought you were. I lowered my guard and allowed myself to return your affections (when you still had affections for me) and now where am I?

Stuck.

When we're together, things feel different though. I'm happy in the moment. So how can I tell you what's actually going on in my head?

Walking on Egg Shells.

I'm sorry I'm obsessive.

I'm sorry I say the wrong thing (a lot).

I'm sorry I'm judgmental.

I'm sorry I put myself first sometimes.

I'm sorry I'm "lazy".

I'm sorry I can't always be figured out.

I'm sorry I like it that way.

I'm sorry I'm messy.

I'm sorry I'm not what you expected.

But most of all, I'm sorry you're getting to know the real me.

Life Truths.

Wrote this a year ago. Still think it's applicable though.

if there's one thing i can be sure i learned during my time in college, it's how to live in the real world. having grown up in a small community, my version of reality was different than the "reality" of reality. here are a few bits of wisdom i've collected over the past couple years.

pretty people actually ARE winners. despite what you've heard about "beauty being from within," the fact of the matter is that life is easier for the better looking. in fact, psychologists have given a name to this phenomenon: the halo effect. it's legit, google it.

working hard is for chumps. yup, i said it. once upon a time, i thought success was directly correlated to how much effort you put into something but i can attest to the fact that, in reality, it is not. successful people became that way through fortunate circumstances that worked in conjunction with enough genuine competence to yield good results.. not necessarily because they worked harder than the guy next to them.

cheaters will cheat and most of the time they won't get caught. screw the people that think "cheaters never prosper." they actually prosper in a very big way and there's nothing you can do to stop them. cutting academic corners is a trending theme on college campuses but who actually turns these people in?

as an addendum, infidelity also goes undetected for most people. such scandal only happened in tv shows or tabloids and never touched my life until my best friend had to face an STD panel because her long distance boyfriend was f*ing other girls for sport. now THAT is a harsh slap of reality. while i'm on it, forget fairy tales. that shit never happens for real.

nice people will finish dead last. sad truth, folks. jerks usually come out on top.

nepotism DOES make the world go 'round. while actual skills are required to get to the tippy top rung of the professional ladder--i mean, we need our best and brightest to actually be capable of something--knowing the right people can still take you leaps and bounds ahead of everyone else.

rules are only rules for people that choose to abide by them. in actuality, anyone can find a loophole if they look hard enough (or act cute enough).

the fact of the matter is that you will fail in life (hopefully only sporadically), life will be unfair to you (sometimes to your advantage, more oftentimes to your disadvantage), and there's pretty much nothing you can do about either. but that's how the cookie crumbles--what of it?

Youth is Wasted On the Young.

So what does it mean to be young? I honestly can't remember.

Just kidding--I'm not that old.

People always say not to grow up too fast. I never really considered that to be sage wisdom, but actually.. it kind of is. The time to be selfish is when you have no responsibilities. You can look out for just you and it won't be to the detriment of anyone else (we hope). I mean, no one is depending on you yet. It's the perfect time to travel, experiment.. just do things that may not be prudent later on.

I think a part of me is bothered that I'm not grown up (aka financially independent) yet. But the glass is actually half full. Living at home = no rent + free meals.. mostly. There'll be lots of time to be an adult but in the meantime, life should be enjoyed.. right?

To that end, it's really annoying when people pretend to be so grown up but really aren't. You can't feign maturity. And don't look down on me because I am trying to make the most of my youth. Putting myself above other people does not make me selfish. It makes me honest. And realistic.

But then again, people also can't stay kids forever. Eventually, you must acknowledge your responsibilities and take control of your life. I don't think there's a specific deadline for this, but I think once you're out of school.. you should also be out of the nest.

Maybe?

The Double-Edged Sword of Agreement.

Agreeing with what someone says is always the safe thing to do. No one is going to flip shit because you agree with them. (Well, maybe I might but I feel like I'm an outlier on this.) Anyway. But how far can you really get just agreeing with people? Professionally, no one graduates beyond "favorite pee-on" when they only agree with what the boss has to say. People need FRICTION to progress, especially in corporate America. Or anywhere, really. Sure you can be the number one sidekick but you'll stay a sidekick forever unless you prove your worth by fighting back (and being right, of course..)

Even in relationships, agreeing is not everything. Passion comes from fighting and without passion, you really have nothing. I hate having someone go along with everything I say just because they think it'll appease me. Grow a backbone, for crying out loud! I like to be pushed. It forces me to push back--which is half the fun of interacting with people, right? That constant push and pull of a relationship is what keeps things interesting. At least for me.

Overall, I think I like conflict.

That is all.

Welcome.

I've been postponing this inaugural post in the hopes that a unifying theme for this blog would manifest magically. Unfortunately.. nothing. So for the time being, here's what's currently sloshing around my noggin.

Perfection is overrated. 100%. When I was young--which in reality, was like 5 years ago--I always strived for perfection: perfect grades, perfect behavior.. perfect hair. Well, I actually haven't given up on that last one. Anyway, it's not all it's cracked up to be. The things that fall to the wayside during your quest for the holy grail are, a lot of times, much more important. More on this to come. (Probably a lot more, if I'm being honest. This disillusionment of the concept of "perfection" still plagues me all the time.)

I think I've never realized how messed up my head is. I don't trust people. Sounds cliche, I know. I guess learning to depend on me has had a greater effect on my overall psyche than I imagined. Especially when I am trying to let someone new into my life. It bothers me sometimes but I still think it necessary for basic survival on your own. I hate needing people. I hate depending on people. Especially when I know in the back of my mind that they don't have to be there tomorrow. Yeah.. pretty screwed up.

Life's a mess. I compare it to cleaning your room (or at least my room). Mostly because it needs to get messier before it can get cleaner. I think I'm in the "get messier" phase of my life right now. It's a jumble and sometimes I don't know what I'm looking at because there's avenues that have potential. First world problem? I know I'm lucky, it's just frustrating to try to make a decision that will (literally) affect the rest of my life.

Okay, I think that's enough for now. Stay tuned for more nonsensical ramblings!