Seven years. How much changes in seven years?
It turns out, A LOT.
Life has a funny way, doesn't it? Today, I find myself working in one of the largest health systems in the area. I find myself in the Bay Area, a region I moved to with ZERO social network and only the potential of a great job (spoiler: it was not a great job but that's a discussion for another day). I find myself questioning whether or not I should move back to Hawaii. I find myself wondering if my current beau will be my forever beau.
"A lot" about sums it up, amirite?
In between all the career ladder and partner hunting and soul searching, I wonder sometimes what it is that I'd see as my best life. Do I seek financial stability? Do I seek financial excess? Do I want a house or would I be content living in a reasonably spacious condo? Do I want one kid or multiple? Do I want those kid(s) to go to private school or public school? Could I live away from my family? Would I want to live some distance from them?
And ultimately, would I settle for a "boring" life if it afforded me all the comforts and luxuries I could ask for or do I truly need adventure and pursuit to feel fulfilled?
The answer remains undefined.
Wednesday, March 11, 2020
Thursday, May 9, 2013
I'll always remember the moment.
It was pretty late--after 11:30p, at least--when the phone rang. No one ever calls after 10 at our house. Not with good news.
I knew it wasn't good news.
Two weeks prior was when I found you on the floor in your room. You'd had falls before and my job trains me to deal with circumstances like these. This time you were non-responsive. That was unusual.
With some help, we got you off the floor and into the bed but still you were silent. I remember the look you had in your eyes: fright and confusion. We called the paramedics and when they arrived, they swarmed your room, asking us questions about your medications and what about your current behavior was usual and unusual. It was all unusual.
Nobody told me how bad things were while you were in the hospital. I had finals and Mom and Dad both thought it would be better if I focused on that. I'm still mad sometimes thinking about it.
The time you spent in the hospital was a blur. Once my last final was over, Mom called me and told me you weren't doing well and that I might want to go see you. I couldn't get out of work so I visited you the next morning.
I remember your hands and how small and cold they were. They were always small but had never been that cold when we used to match up our hands in your room and you used to tell me how long my fingers were compared to yours.
The night the hospital called was the night Dad and I went to see Wicked. Aunty Iris called early that evening, while we were in the show, but Dad didn't answer it for fear of what she might say. "I don't want the rest of the show to be ruined," he had told me. So we waited til afterwards to call her back but she was just looking for an update on your condition.
That night, I had just tucked into bed with my laptop. I don't even remember what show I was about to start watching. It doesn't seem to matter much now.
Dad answered the phone through a haze of sleep. I went into their bedroom to confirm what I already knew was coming. You were gone.
We got dressed and went straight to the hospital and all I could think of was that you were alone when you went. I wasn't there. I should've been there. But I thought you'd hold on at least another few days.
When we got there, you looked the same. The palor hadn't even set in, like I know it does. Your mouth had fallen open slightly, something that happens to residents of mine when they pass, so I rolled up the towel--like I was trained to do--and placed it under your jaw so when the rigor mortis set in, you would be in a more dignified position.
I wish we had more time together. I guess I should be grateful we were able to have the time we did but I had just come back from college. I had just come back for you. I thought it was a cop out, moving back home instead of fending for myself in the real world, but I know now that it was the best possible thing I could've done. You drove me crazy but then you'd make that cute face that says you don't understand why I'm upset and I had to laugh; you were just too adorable.
I didn't want to put this down in words--didn't think I'd have the courage to. But I guess 2am brings out things in people that even they don't know are within.
Through it all, I just hope you know one thing, wherever you are:
I love you Grandma.
It was pretty late--after 11:30p, at least--when the phone rang. No one ever calls after 10 at our house. Not with good news.
I knew it wasn't good news.
Two weeks prior was when I found you on the floor in your room. You'd had falls before and my job trains me to deal with circumstances like these. This time you were non-responsive. That was unusual.
With some help, we got you off the floor and into the bed but still you were silent. I remember the look you had in your eyes: fright and confusion. We called the paramedics and when they arrived, they swarmed your room, asking us questions about your medications and what about your current behavior was usual and unusual. It was all unusual.
Nobody told me how bad things were while you were in the hospital. I had finals and Mom and Dad both thought it would be better if I focused on that. I'm still mad sometimes thinking about it.
The time you spent in the hospital was a blur. Once my last final was over, Mom called me and told me you weren't doing well and that I might want to go see you. I couldn't get out of work so I visited you the next morning.
I remember your hands and how small and cold they were. They were always small but had never been that cold when we used to match up our hands in your room and you used to tell me how long my fingers were compared to yours.
The night the hospital called was the night Dad and I went to see Wicked. Aunty Iris called early that evening, while we were in the show, but Dad didn't answer it for fear of what she might say. "I don't want the rest of the show to be ruined," he had told me. So we waited til afterwards to call her back but she was just looking for an update on your condition.
That night, I had just tucked into bed with my laptop. I don't even remember what show I was about to start watching. It doesn't seem to matter much now.
Dad answered the phone through a haze of sleep. I went into their bedroom to confirm what I already knew was coming. You were gone.
We got dressed and went straight to the hospital and all I could think of was that you were alone when you went. I wasn't there. I should've been there. But I thought you'd hold on at least another few days.
When we got there, you looked the same. The palor hadn't even set in, like I know it does. Your mouth had fallen open slightly, something that happens to residents of mine when they pass, so I rolled up the towel--like I was trained to do--and placed it under your jaw so when the rigor mortis set in, you would be in a more dignified position.
I wish we had more time together. I guess I should be grateful we were able to have the time we did but I had just come back from college. I had just come back for you. I thought it was a cop out, moving back home instead of fending for myself in the real world, but I know now that it was the best possible thing I could've done. You drove me crazy but then you'd make that cute face that says you don't understand why I'm upset and I had to laugh; you were just too adorable.
I didn't want to put this down in words--didn't think I'd have the courage to. But I guess 2am brings out things in people that even they don't know are within.
Through it all, I just hope you know one thing, wherever you are:
I love you Grandma.
Friday, May 3, 2013
Indecision May Just Kill You
I don't know what I want. And I think that's where most of my problems begin.
When I was younger, I thought I wanted to be a doctor. I had it all set and never have it a second thought until I had to take the MCATs. That's when my world unraveled.
I thought I wanted to date a nice guy, marry him and live in Hawaii. Now, not only do I find "nice guys" boring, but I have no idea when I'll be ready to get married and I'm 50/50 about living in Hawaii.
It's all so messy. I feel like a magikarp that's stuck using "flail" over and over with no effect. Yeah yeah that's a terrible metaphor for my point because magikarp eventually evolves into the super powerful gyrados but that's probably a blog post for another day.
Anyway, back to the mess that is my life.
Actually, I don't know where I was going when I started this so maybe I'll just leave the word vomit to be assessed another day.
When I was younger, I thought I wanted to be a doctor. I had it all set and never have it a second thought until I had to take the MCATs. That's when my world unraveled.
I thought I wanted to date a nice guy, marry him and live in Hawaii. Now, not only do I find "nice guys" boring, but I have no idea when I'll be ready to get married and I'm 50/50 about living in Hawaii.
It's all so messy. I feel like a magikarp that's stuck using "flail" over and over with no effect. Yeah yeah that's a terrible metaphor for my point because magikarp eventually evolves into the super powerful gyrados but that's probably a blog post for another day.
Anyway, back to the mess that is my life.
Actually, I don't know where I was going when I started this so maybe I'll just leave the word vomit to be assessed another day.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
BOOK: Everything Bad Is Good For You
Deciding to move my "book summary" posts from tumblr onto here. More streamlined and all that.
here's numero uno..
Everything Bad Is Good For You: How Today's Popular Culture Is Actually Making Us Smarter
By: Steven Johnson
PART ONE
Games
Games for you to make decisions and prioritize tasks much more than literature which presents in a linear formation that takes you along a predetermined storyline. Within games, there are master objectives (say, saving the princess) as well as minor tasks that must be completed in order to reach the princess (destroying bad guys in order to reach a certain level or arena). Also, different mental skills are exercised by playing games. Instead of comparing video games to books, they would be more aptly compared to word problems which, similarly, have little to offer in way of moral lessons or psychological depth--we complain that video games have no substance and are just wasting time but it isn't the substance we should be focusing on, it's the problem solving skills that are developed by frequent game players. Life, after all, is not actually linear as books portray it to be but full of choice that determine what happens next.. much more like video games.
Television
While television was previously known to cast one storyline throughout an episode (one that is "least objectionable") current shows now incorporate multithreading which is just a fancy word for multiple storylines. Viewers must keep track of different contexts and, quite often, different characters. Also, plotlines have become more developed in order to allow continuous entertainment after multiple viewings. There is a cognitive labor to fill in details of "in-show" jokes that are better understood after another viewing or only if you watch the show regularly or sometimes, requiring you to know bits of history of pop culture (ie The Simpsons or Family Guy.. although personally I am not a fan of either show). In addition, your memory skills are put to the test having to manage character relations that overlap in all sorts of ways. "Character trees" prove to us that shows from the past ain't got nothin' on the twisted shenanigans that go on between characters in current television. Even reality shows which are seen as the highest level of instant gratification garbage have their merits. These shows are developed for us to empathize with contestants and maybe even put ourselves in their place. This requires a different kind of intelligence: social intelligence in order to understand (and sometimes critique) what is happening on screen. Many people form silent alliances with characters in the show, thus proving that they have analyzed what is happening on screen and formed their own opinion.
Internet
One sentence from the book pretty much sums it up: "The rise of the Internet has challenged our minds in three fundamental and related ways: by virtue of being participatory, by forcing users to learn new interfaces, and by creating new channels for social interaction." Internet users are interacting with this fairly new medium instead of passively consuming them as with television. In addition, we must keep up with the accelerating pace of new platforms which force us to probe new environments (I'm not that clever, those words are directly from the book). These new forms of communication (IM, e-mail, etc.) have also allowed people to widen their social networks, in stark contrast to the preconceived notion that people on the internet a lot need to get out more.
Film
While there has been a lot less progress in the film industry, it might be connected to the fact that its narratives are limited to two or three hours whereas television narratives unfold over multiple seasons, each with more than a dozen episodes. Video games also require an average of 40 hours to complete with complexity growing as the game progresses. However, one industry that has seen a high amount of development is children's films. Often, these now contain more main characters than before with more storyarcs that train the child to hold those multiple threads of consciousness, a kind of "mental calisthenics".
PART TWO
There's a pretty good wrap-up but I'm tired so this'll have to do:
This book does not aim to convince us that books should be replaced with media subcultura or that what is current is necessarily "good for us". Instead, he brings to light many examples where our popular culture is becoming more developed and that what we are ingesting by sitting in front of a screen for an hour is doing more than just melting our brain.
here's numero uno..
Everything Bad Is Good For You: How Today's Popular Culture Is Actually Making Us Smarter
By: Steven Johnson
PART ONE
Games
Games for you to make decisions and prioritize tasks much more than literature which presents in a linear formation that takes you along a predetermined storyline. Within games, there are master objectives (say, saving the princess) as well as minor tasks that must be completed in order to reach the princess (destroying bad guys in order to reach a certain level or arena). Also, different mental skills are exercised by playing games. Instead of comparing video games to books, they would be more aptly compared to word problems which, similarly, have little to offer in way of moral lessons or psychological depth--we complain that video games have no substance and are just wasting time but it isn't the substance we should be focusing on, it's the problem solving skills that are developed by frequent game players. Life, after all, is not actually linear as books portray it to be but full of choice that determine what happens next.. much more like video games.
Television
While television was previously known to cast one storyline throughout an episode (one that is "least objectionable") current shows now incorporate multithreading which is just a fancy word for multiple storylines. Viewers must keep track of different contexts and, quite often, different characters. Also, plotlines have become more developed in order to allow continuous entertainment after multiple viewings. There is a cognitive labor to fill in details of "in-show" jokes that are better understood after another viewing or only if you watch the show regularly or sometimes, requiring you to know bits of history of pop culture (ie The Simpsons or Family Guy.. although personally I am not a fan of either show). In addition, your memory skills are put to the test having to manage character relations that overlap in all sorts of ways. "Character trees" prove to us that shows from the past ain't got nothin' on the twisted shenanigans that go on between characters in current television. Even reality shows which are seen as the highest level of instant gratification garbage have their merits. These shows are developed for us to empathize with contestants and maybe even put ourselves in their place. This requires a different kind of intelligence: social intelligence in order to understand (and sometimes critique) what is happening on screen. Many people form silent alliances with characters in the show, thus proving that they have analyzed what is happening on screen and formed their own opinion.
Internet
One sentence from the book pretty much sums it up: "The rise of the Internet has challenged our minds in three fundamental and related ways: by virtue of being participatory, by forcing users to learn new interfaces, and by creating new channels for social interaction." Internet users are interacting with this fairly new medium instead of passively consuming them as with television. In addition, we must keep up with the accelerating pace of new platforms which force us to probe new environments (I'm not that clever, those words are directly from the book). These new forms of communication (IM, e-mail, etc.) have also allowed people to widen their social networks, in stark contrast to the preconceived notion that people on the internet a lot need to get out more.
Film
While there has been a lot less progress in the film industry, it might be connected to the fact that its narratives are limited to two or three hours whereas television narratives unfold over multiple seasons, each with more than a dozen episodes. Video games also require an average of 40 hours to complete with complexity growing as the game progresses. However, one industry that has seen a high amount of development is children's films. Often, these now contain more main characters than before with more storyarcs that train the child to hold those multiple threads of consciousness, a kind of "mental calisthenics".
PART TWO
There's a pretty good wrap-up but I'm tired so this'll have to do:
This book does not aim to convince us that books should be replaced with media subcultura or that what is current is necessarily "good for us". Instead, he brings to light many examples where our popular culture is becoming more developed and that what we are ingesting by sitting in front of a screen for an hour is doing more than just melting our brain.
Monday, March 4, 2013
Journaling: Online Dating
Online dating is a weird thing. Apparently it's become widely accepted and I even read somewhere that 1 in 5 relationships started online. That's a weird thing.
Confession time. I signed up for an online dating service. Two, in fact. Although one required monthly payments and I'm just not about that. The other, which is free, has been a bit of a roller coaster. I signed up on a whim and then was too lazy to complete a profile so I uploaded a picture and left it at that. A week later, I signed back on and had 26 messages. It shocked me that so many people would be interested with only a picture to judge (I'm no troll but by no means a "babe" either). I perused some of their profile and was surprised at how not lame a bunch of them were. That's pretty rude but, I mean, what had I really expected out of the experience? Not to meet many winners, that's for sure.
Spent several hours figuring out the site, responding to messages and all that. It was interesting. I instigated conversation with one person whose profile impressed me. It made me nervous actually. But I literally had nothing to lose (save a little dignity) so I did it.
What's weird is that that one person ended up being the most interesting. After some light conversation, I thought to myself that I might actually be able to develop feelings for this person somewhere down the line.
That freaked me out.
I immediately disconnected myself from the dating website and now I'm here, contemplating. How could something of substance stem from an online encounter. It works for some people--I don't doubt that--but I absolutely can't see how it would work for me. He's one of those people that if I had met him in person first, I'd probably be mildly interested. But I didn't. I met him through a computer screen and that's weird. It's weird. Really weird.
I did what I thought was the cordial (aka chicken shit) thing to do and sent him a message saying I was gonna take a break from the site because I was a bit overwhelmed. He could e-mail me or find me through some other social media if he felt like it. But he hasn't. Not that he needs to; I probably wouldn't.
The other weird thing about online dating is that you never know how many other people they're talking to. I'm chatting with him but there are dozens of other guys sending me messages as well. Where does the exclusivity step in? If I ignore all these messages, am I being rude? Closing doors that may end up having more potential than this one I'm walking through right now? And how many girls are sending him messages? He's cute and interesting so why would he need to turn away from those? That would drive me nuts, to be honest. I'm not the jealous type but I like to know what kind of competition I'm dealing with. In online dating, there really is no way to know. Again, it's weird.
I just can't deal with it right now. Taking a two week sabbatical and then maybe I'll take another stab at it. Not holding my breath for this "interesting guy" but maybe there'll be others when I return.
Confession time. I signed up for an online dating service. Two, in fact. Although one required monthly payments and I'm just not about that. The other, which is free, has been a bit of a roller coaster. I signed up on a whim and then was too lazy to complete a profile so I uploaded a picture and left it at that. A week later, I signed back on and had 26 messages. It shocked me that so many people would be interested with only a picture to judge (I'm no troll but by no means a "babe" either). I perused some of their profile and was surprised at how not lame a bunch of them were. That's pretty rude but, I mean, what had I really expected out of the experience? Not to meet many winners, that's for sure.
Spent several hours figuring out the site, responding to messages and all that. It was interesting. I instigated conversation with one person whose profile impressed me. It made me nervous actually. But I literally had nothing to lose (save a little dignity) so I did it.
What's weird is that that one person ended up being the most interesting. After some light conversation, I thought to myself that I might actually be able to develop feelings for this person somewhere down the line.
That freaked me out.
I immediately disconnected myself from the dating website and now I'm here, contemplating. How could something of substance stem from an online encounter. It works for some people--I don't doubt that--but I absolutely can't see how it would work for me. He's one of those people that if I had met him in person first, I'd probably be mildly interested. But I didn't. I met him through a computer screen and that's weird. It's weird. Really weird.
I did what I thought was the cordial (aka chicken shit) thing to do and sent him a message saying I was gonna take a break from the site because I was a bit overwhelmed. He could e-mail me or find me through some other social media if he felt like it. But he hasn't. Not that he needs to; I probably wouldn't.
The other weird thing about online dating is that you never know how many other people they're talking to. I'm chatting with him but there are dozens of other guys sending me messages as well. Where does the exclusivity step in? If I ignore all these messages, am I being rude? Closing doors that may end up having more potential than this one I'm walking through right now? And how many girls are sending him messages? He's cute and interesting so why would he need to turn away from those? That would drive me nuts, to be honest. I'm not the jealous type but I like to know what kind of competition I'm dealing with. In online dating, there really is no way to know. Again, it's weird.
I just can't deal with it right now. Taking a two week sabbatical and then maybe I'll take another stab at it. Not holding my breath for this "interesting guy" but maybe there'll be others when I return.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Swept away.
I am the type to get carried away. With anything: hobbies, shopping, conversations, relationships. I can get so caught up in something I enjoy that I don't even realize when I've crossed a line (ie AFTER I've spent a whole month's paycheck in one shopping trip).
Anyway. Maybe that's why I put up with so much stuff. Why--against my better judgment--I let you be too busy for me or sometimes ignore me altogether. I don't mind keeping things light. It's generally where I'm most comfortable, tbh. But this is different. There is a huge disconnect between who are you now and who you were when we first started seeing each other. This means one of two things: you were either faking it then or you're faking it now. And it's hard to tell which is worse. Either you were putting on a "nice guy" act when we were courting and you're actually kind of an ass. Or you're a genuinely kind person that is ACTING like an ass to push me away.
The first thing my friends ask me when I explain our [casual dating, non-exclusive] situation is: are you happy? Well, I thought I was. I thought it was enough just to be with you. With whatever part of you you were willing to share with me. As time goes by, though, I'm starting to realize that I'm not actually happy. I think losing you would make me more unhappy. That's why I stay.
But what kind of foundation is that? For any relationship, I mean, even a casual one. I should be with someone that complements me (and compliments me). You do neither. You convinced me that you were not a typical guy, despite my initial impression of you being.. well, pretty much a typical guy. But I think I was right the first time. You are a good person. That is not up for debate as it's a separate category completely. I have no doubt that someday some (more ordinary, less complex) girl will be very lucky to have you. But maybe I need more. Maybe I deserve more. Because I'm complex. We talked about my layers. We talked about how it takes a while to figure me out. I thought you appreciated that. Or at least respected me for it. But maybe the top of the tree is too hard to climb to for you. I'm sure that you could get a wide array of "lower-hanging fruit" with ease. I thought that was something you admired about me. But maybe I was wrong.
I used to worry that no one would appreciate my complexity. You were a good catch, especially since you are a good person and that is a rare enough trait in itself. But someday someone will. It could've been you. I'd have let it be you. But I don't think you want to look any further into my soul. I guess you've seen enough.
And I got carried away. Swept off my feet by the person I thought you were. I lowered my guard and allowed myself to return your affections (when you still had affections for me) and now where am I?
Stuck.
When we're together, things feel different though. I'm happy in the moment. So how can I tell you what's actually going on in my head?
Anyway. Maybe that's why I put up with so much stuff. Why--against my better judgment--I let you be too busy for me or sometimes ignore me altogether. I don't mind keeping things light. It's generally where I'm most comfortable, tbh. But this is different. There is a huge disconnect between who are you now and who you were when we first started seeing each other. This means one of two things: you were either faking it then or you're faking it now. And it's hard to tell which is worse. Either you were putting on a "nice guy" act when we were courting and you're actually kind of an ass. Or you're a genuinely kind person that is ACTING like an ass to push me away.
The first thing my friends ask me when I explain our [casual dating, non-exclusive] situation is: are you happy? Well, I thought I was. I thought it was enough just to be with you. With whatever part of you you were willing to share with me. As time goes by, though, I'm starting to realize that I'm not actually happy. I think losing you would make me more unhappy. That's why I stay.
But what kind of foundation is that? For any relationship, I mean, even a casual one. I should be with someone that complements me (and compliments me). You do neither. You convinced me that you were not a typical guy, despite my initial impression of you being.. well, pretty much a typical guy. But I think I was right the first time. You are a good person. That is not up for debate as it's a separate category completely. I have no doubt that someday some (more ordinary, less complex) girl will be very lucky to have you. But maybe I need more. Maybe I deserve more. Because I'm complex. We talked about my layers. We talked about how it takes a while to figure me out. I thought you appreciated that. Or at least respected me for it. But maybe the top of the tree is too hard to climb to for you. I'm sure that you could get a wide array of "lower-hanging fruit" with ease. I thought that was something you admired about me. But maybe I was wrong.
I used to worry that no one would appreciate my complexity. You were a good catch, especially since you are a good person and that is a rare enough trait in itself. But someday someone will. It could've been you. I'd have let it be you. But I don't think you want to look any further into my soul. I guess you've seen enough.
And I got carried away. Swept off my feet by the person I thought you were. I lowered my guard and allowed myself to return your affections (when you still had affections for me) and now where am I?
Stuck.
When we're together, things feel different though. I'm happy in the moment. So how can I tell you what's actually going on in my head?
Walking on Egg Shells.
I'm sorry I'm obsessive.
I'm sorry I say the wrong thing (a lot).
I'm sorry I'm judgmental.
I'm sorry I put myself first sometimes.
I'm sorry I'm "lazy".
I'm sorry I can't always be figured out.
I'm sorry I like it that way.
I'm sorry I'm messy.
I'm sorry I'm not what you expected.
But most of all, I'm sorry you're getting to know the real me.
I'm sorry I say the wrong thing (a lot).
I'm sorry I'm judgmental.
I'm sorry I put myself first sometimes.
I'm sorry I'm "lazy".
I'm sorry I can't always be figured out.
I'm sorry I like it that way.
I'm sorry I'm messy.
I'm sorry I'm not what you expected.
But most of all, I'm sorry you're getting to know the real me.
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