Swept away.

I am the type to get carried away. With anything: hobbies, shopping, conversations, relationships. I can get so caught up in something I enjoy that I don't even realize when I've crossed a line (ie AFTER I've spent a whole month's paycheck in one shopping trip).

Anyway. Maybe that's why I put up with so much stuff. Why--against my better judgment--I let you be too busy for me or sometimes ignore me altogether. I don't mind keeping things light. It's generally where I'm most comfortable, tbh. But this is different. There is a huge disconnect between who are you now and who you were when we first started seeing each other. This means one of two things: you were either faking it then or you're faking it now. And it's hard to tell which is worse. Either you were putting on a "nice guy" act when we were courting and you're actually kind of an ass. Or you're a genuinely kind person that is ACTING like an ass to push me away.

The first thing my friends ask me when I explain our [casual dating, non-exclusive] situation is: are you happy? Well, I thought I was. I thought it was enough just to be with you. With whatever part of you you were willing to share with me. As time goes by, though, I'm starting to realize that I'm not actually happy. I think losing you would make me more unhappy. That's why I stay.

But what kind of foundation is that? For any relationship, I mean, even a casual one. I should be with someone that complements me (and compliments me). You do neither. You convinced me that you were not a typical guy, despite my initial impression of you being.. well, pretty much a typical guy. But I think I was right the first time. You are a good person. That is not up for debate as it's a separate category completely. I have no doubt that someday some (more ordinary, less complex) girl will be very lucky to have you. But maybe I need more. Maybe I deserve more. Because I'm complex. We talked about my layers. We talked about how it takes a while to figure me out. I thought you appreciated that. Or at least respected me for it. But maybe the top of the tree is too hard to climb to for you. I'm sure that you could get a wide array of "lower-hanging fruit" with ease. I thought that was something you admired about me. But maybe I was wrong.

I used to worry that no one would appreciate my complexity. You were a good catch, especially since you are a good person and that is a rare enough trait in itself. But someday someone will. It could've been you. I'd have let it be you. But I don't think you want to look any further into my soul. I guess you've seen enough.

And I got carried away. Swept off my feet by the person I thought you were. I lowered my guard and allowed myself to return your affections (when you still had affections for me) and now where am I?

Stuck.

When we're together, things feel different though. I'm happy in the moment. So how can I tell you what's actually going on in my head?

Walking on Egg Shells.

I'm sorry I'm obsessive.

I'm sorry I say the wrong thing (a lot).

I'm sorry I'm judgmental.

I'm sorry I put myself first sometimes.

I'm sorry I'm "lazy".

I'm sorry I can't always be figured out.

I'm sorry I like it that way.

I'm sorry I'm messy.

I'm sorry I'm not what you expected.

But most of all, I'm sorry you're getting to know the real me.

Life Truths.

Wrote this a year ago. Still think it's applicable though.

if there's one thing i can be sure i learned during my time in college, it's how to live in the real world. having grown up in a small community, my version of reality was different than the "reality" of reality. here are a few bits of wisdom i've collected over the past couple years.

pretty people actually ARE winners. despite what you've heard about "beauty being from within," the fact of the matter is that life is easier for the better looking. in fact, psychologists have given a name to this phenomenon: the halo effect. it's legit, google it.

working hard is for chumps. yup, i said it. once upon a time, i thought success was directly correlated to how much effort you put into something but i can attest to the fact that, in reality, it is not. successful people became that way through fortunate circumstances that worked in conjunction with enough genuine competence to yield good results.. not necessarily because they worked harder than the guy next to them.

cheaters will cheat and most of the time they won't get caught. screw the people that think "cheaters never prosper." they actually prosper in a very big way and there's nothing you can do to stop them. cutting academic corners is a trending theme on college campuses but who actually turns these people in?

as an addendum, infidelity also goes undetected for most people. such scandal only happened in tv shows or tabloids and never touched my life until my best friend had to face an STD panel because her long distance boyfriend was f*ing other girls for sport. now THAT is a harsh slap of reality. while i'm on it, forget fairy tales. that shit never happens for real.

nice people will finish dead last. sad truth, folks. jerks usually come out on top.

nepotism DOES make the world go 'round. while actual skills are required to get to the tippy top rung of the professional ladder--i mean, we need our best and brightest to actually be capable of something--knowing the right people can still take you leaps and bounds ahead of everyone else.

rules are only rules for people that choose to abide by them. in actuality, anyone can find a loophole if they look hard enough (or act cute enough).

the fact of the matter is that you will fail in life (hopefully only sporadically), life will be unfair to you (sometimes to your advantage, more oftentimes to your disadvantage), and there's pretty much nothing you can do about either. but that's how the cookie crumbles--what of it?